|A beautiful tribute to my beautiful daughter with an amazingly fitting Radiohead quote.|
I remember when I received the sketches for her stone from Oakridge Memory Gardens, seeing her date of birth on a headstone seemed harder than her date of death. I never really quite understood why I reacted so hard to that. Maybe it had to do with the fact that giving birth to her was such a happy time in my life, it was an identity I was proud to be...mother. I was a mother. Now that identity has been taken away. People tell me I am still a mother but it's hard for me to completely identify with this anymore. I know I was a mother, but am I still now?
I was at a union workshop for 2 days and at the table during a lunch break a lot of the women were talking about their teenaged children and I sat there dreading the possibility they ask me if I had children. What do I say? Yes but she passed away 7 months ago? Or do I say "No" and just end the conversation? I had an anxiety attack at lunch because of this silly scenario. I still do not know how to reconcile these confusing thoughts.
If you look on the stone, you will see a quote from Radiohead. Alysia was a die-hard Radiohead fan and Lotus Flower was one of her favorite songs. Although I knew she loved Radiohead I didn't know this was her favorite line from the song. I was just guided to this when trying to choose what to put on her headstone . I believe she had a hand in this. Katie and I brainstormed a tattoo for me to do based around this quote so I could permanently honor Alysia's memory and have her close to me physically at all times.
There was something comforting about touching her stone. As if by touching her stone, I was touching her spirit. By talking to her name on the stone she could hear me in heaven more clearly. When I left, I kissed the top of the headstone and it felt like I was kissing the top of her head. I understand now why headstones, grave markers of some sort, are so important to those left behind.
|Resting peacefully by her nanny.|
Headstones not only help the people left behind but will tell a story to the future generations. As a person walks through this 50 years from now, they will be able to piece together the history of this little family...As Tomi will be buried next to Alysia and I will be buried across. On my headstone I want written "Loving mother of Alysia D Abriel" so that I die with the identity of being a mother still.
I miss you Alysia xoxo