We used to nickname her pumpkin when she was younger

Thursday, May 31, 2012


I don't watch the news, I haven't really since Alysia was born.  When she was a baby, I would get upset at the state of the world and would worry what kind of world she was going to have to grow up in. I decided that the news was keeping me up at night with worry.  It was informing me but making me feel powerless to the evils of this world.  So I just decided one day to not watch it or read about it and just be worried about what affected me, my family and my friends directly.  I've functioned 20 years this way.  The important news gets to me eventually.

Yesterday, at the end of a TV show we were watching, the news came on and sure enough it was about that evil, vile person in Montreal mailing body parts to political parties.  I could have walked away but this story was so evil and was a Canadian story, so I got sucked in by the voice of the newscaster. The news began to show this guy's video he posted in "the dark corners of the internet" as they described, of him torturing and killing kittens.  How is it that these "dark corners of the internet" exist??  How is it that he can post a video of such nature and now also posted a video of the murder and dismemberment of a human being?  Why is it that no one contacted the authorities about these videos? I guess the people who lurk in these dark corners are just as sick as the person who posts these types of things.

After I watched this news story, then came the story about the random shootings out in B.C. and then the random shootings in the States and then the massacre in Syria.  I went to bed crying for the state of this world, just like I used to do when Alysia was a new born.  I said to Alysia in my heart, "no wonder you left this world, it's an ugly place."

Katie and I bought a home and we are starting to pack to move.  While I am excited to get to our new place I am torn with leaving this mouse infested, leaky, freezing cold, noisy apartment.  it was the last place Alysia was with me in.  The new home will not have memories of Alysia's physical presence at all, this saddens me so much.  This move is exciting and happy also an emotional effort and sad. While packing the other day I went through several boxes of Alysia's memorabilia since she was a newborn. I saved a few special baby outfits, there were some pictures she drew, cards she made, hand print molds, school work, report cards, graduation pictures.  My grief flooded over me again.  It was as if I was at the beginning of my grieving all over again.

The apartment is looking disheveled and that makes me feel fearful, sad, and insecure. So with these emotions I watched the news last night and it was too much for me.  I have wanted to disconnect from the world for most of my life because I could see it going the wrong direction since I was young.  I always wanted to live off the grid on a small farm and just have my family and friends but here I am in downtown Halifax, in the Ghetto of Halifax really, with a car, two lap tops, an ipad, two iphones, tv, cable, internet, facebook, emails, a blog.  My life is an open book.  I opened that book I realize, but now maybe it's time to close it up. It has been an ongoing process lately to eliminate the negative out of my life and I feel I am reaching another level of negative that must go.

Alysia just before she passed away, removed most of her facebook friends from her account.  She was feeling overwhelmed by the drama and drivel. I was concerned when she did that because to me it was a sign of depression and maybe it was but I can certainly understand why she was so depressed.  This world is so hard to live in.  The rising cost of everything you need just to survive, the bombardment of information, the feeling of powerlessness, the greed and corruption that is prevalent now, the destruction of God's wonder she left.  No wonder she tried to shut out the noise.  I think I might just do the same.

  What has kept me on facebook the past 10 months is my blog but I figure people can sign up for my blog  and keep reading about my journey. I don't know how much more I am going to write on it. It could just be a bad week but don't be surprised if I drop off your friends list for a while or forever, or maybe I won't. I just want, and so desperately need, to see the beauty of this world again and the electronic world isn't doing that for me.  The only place I see beauty in this world now is when I am with Katie, my friends, what's left of my family and nature.  TV doesn't do it. The internet doesn't do it, Facebook rarely does it.

I want to go into our new home and live a simpler life.  A life closer to nature, closer to Katie, closer to the friends and family in my life. I'm not asking for much... just some breathing space so I can breathe in through the grief and breathe out the sorrow and pain.A space where my heart can expand, my eyes clear up from the crap they've been seeing for 40 some years and my ears to unplug to hear beautiful music and poetry and conversation, and my brain to stop the pattern of constant self criticizing. These to me are progress. Real evolutionary progress.  When a person finds peace, when the world finds peace, that is real progress.



Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day and the return of the gold thread

Flowers that Josh sent me for Mother's Day

"Although children leave us, we are always mothers"

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I woke up around 6:30 am and the first thing I did was check my Facebook page to see...what?  I don't know what I expected to see but the fact that I did not see a post from Alysia hurt like hell.  I checked my phone for see what? I don't know but I sure didn't get a text from Alysia for mother's day.  No phone calls...nothing. I cried. I cried some more and I cried all day off and on. The day before Katie and I had gone to Alysia's grave and laid flowers that my mother had sent me for Mother's day.  I wanted to put them on her grave as it was from one generation of mother to the next to the end of the line in the form of my daughter's grave. Motherhood ended with me on our side of the family.

When I checked Facebook throughout the day yesterday I saw many posts about how great of a mother's day everyone was having and I became more and more sad.  I realize that people should enjoy their day with their children but those posts were like stabs in the heart. I felt forgotten and I thought of Katie's friend in Ontario who just recently lost his mom and how he was on the other end of that huge void. I pictured him sitting there looking at the posts on facebook and wondering if he felt as sad and bitter as me.

 I didn't think I would react as emotionally as I did to Mother's day considering when Alysia was young she would wish me a Happy Mother's Day and would apologize because she didn't buy me a gift. I would reply "it's ok, it's just another day created by Hallmark and it's enough for you to just wish me a Happy Mother's Day." Now that she's gone, it's not just a Hallmark- made occasion for me, it's the day I should have heard from just one person and I didn't. The day that confirms my identity as a mother still and I got very few acknowledgements of that. At one point yesterday, I had a proud mother moment when I thought about the fact that I was a mother to an angel now. An angel!  wow, that is pretty amazing.  That was short lived though and the void of her absence took over me.

Throughout the day yesterday in my sadness I would look at the flowers Josh sent me and a surge of love came over me for him, it made my day a little bit better.  The card on my mother's flowers, quoted above, began to melt away a cold spot in my heart. Yet my heart ached so much yesterday.  This morning I woke up crying again.  I wasn't able to go to work.  I felt so alone and I sat in bed after Katie left for work and cried so hard. Suddenly the journal I write in to Alysia fell over on the bedside table and I picked it up and began to write in it.  I have 1 1/2 pages left in it after what I wrote today.  I don't know if I should continue writing after I'm done this one or what will that last page and a half contain?  How will I end it?  If I do get another journal I feel like it has to be similar to the one I've been writing in.  It came from the cathedral in Washington, a very special place in my heart.  I found it odd that the journal fell over and snapped me out of my crying.  For a a few minutes I read the entries in my journal. A journal entry  that was a week or so after Alysia's funeral, I wrote "I am glad I was able to cry because I am afraid that after crying so much I would have no more tears to shed".  It's almost 10 months later and let me say that there has been no shortage of tears.

I decided to write a blog post today while I was off work so that I could get it all out. I set up my laptop on the kitchen table in front of Josh's flowers and out of the corner of my eye I caught a sparkling light in his flowers.  I take a closer look and saw a bit of gold on a flower bud. So I got up and took a real close look and lo and behold there is a very fine thread of gold filament thread that is laying amongst the foliage of his flowers!  I took a picture of it and I apologize for my crappy Iphone 3G camera (the original Iphone) but here it is.
It's blurry but you can see the gold filament thread running randomly through the flowers.
I knew, it was Alysia's way to say Happy Mother's Day through Josh's flowers and now they brighten my day even more. To get an understanding of the significance of the gold thread see my post

Yesterday I couldn't do this because I was too hurt, but today I'd like to wish every mother out there a Happy Belated Mother's Day because you deserve the recognition.  I would like to wish those who aren't mothers to people, but to furry creatures, a Happy Mother to a furry creature Day too.  I would like to wish those of us who lost a child a Happy Mother to an Angel Day and finally to those children who lost a mother I'd like to wish them a Happy Angel Mother Day.