We used to nickname her pumpkin when she was younger

Friday, July 20, 2012

Approaching July 25th: Alysia's first "Heaven Day"

I begin writing this one year mark blog entry almost a week before the actual date.  Yesterday while at the gravesite watering Alysia's and her nanny's flowers I expressed to Katie that I have been feeling rather numb whenever I think of Alysia this week.  That numbness was scaring me on so many levels.  Was it denial kicking in? Was it my brain protecting my heart? Was I forgetting Alysia? Was this what healing feels like?  I didn't like it one bit and was causing me some anxiety all week.  I don't want numbness to mean I am healing.  I am a passionate person who feels so much.  I don't want to end up being someone completely different than who I was before Alysia passed away.  I know that I will "never be the same" but I don't want to be numb.I still want that passionate side of me to remain.

As soon as I shared that with Katie at the gravesite, I cried and cried and spoke to Alysia aloud, still wishing I could hold her close to me.  When I say these things during these moments of crying/mourning I find myself surprised that after "so much" time I still desire to be able to hold her.  It surprises me that my brain still can't wrap itself around the idea that I will never be able to hold her again, on this plane at least. I constantly analyze all of my feelings and how they relate to Alysia's death.

In moments of happiness I ask: What is making me happy despite my grief? How long has this happiness been lasting? Is this moment of happiness happening more often? Is it lasting longer? Have I made a mental note of what is causing me to be happy so I can go back to that in times of sadness? And yes I still feel a tinge of guilt when I realize I've been having a happy moment.

In moments of sadness, I tend to question it less because it's more obvious but I do ask: How long since I've had a crying spell like this? Are they becoming less frequent?  Is this moment feeling less intense?

In numbness I ask the questions I mentioned above.

In anger, I ask: Am I really angry at what is happening right now (unrelated to Alysia's death) or am I just angry with my grief, my losses?

In anxiety I ask: Why am I afraid? How does this anxiety relate to my "grief anxiety" (as I call it). Is it the same or is it different?

My brain never rests but I feel this is what is helping me heal.  How can a person heal if they don't know what is causing the dis-ease?  How can a person treat the dis-ease if they don't know what makes it better.  Conscious awareness of all thoughts and emotions is vital despite it being exhausting and annoying at times.

The other day, I put my hand on a co-worker's belly.  She is pregnant and has a beautiful baby bump.  I asked if I could touch her belly.  At that very moment a flood of emotions hit me but I did not show it.  First I felt very sad, then I felt very guilty for feeling sad.  This wasn't about me, it was about her joy and excitement.  Then I felt very afraid.  The fear stuck with me for a long time.  I felt I may have "cursed" her baby somehow.  That because I lost my child, that by touching her belly, I may have passed on my shitty luck onto her.  I struggled with this for a long time.  I know it is absurd but I don't know if I will touch her baby bump again, just to be sure.

These are the emotions that run through a grieving mother's mind.  These are the rational and irrational thoughts. They linger a long time.  It's been almost a year and my brain still struggles with it all.

Since my last blog post, good things have happened.  We bought a place and have moved into it a few weeks ago.  It's not fancy, it's not big but it's home.  It is surrounded by good neighbors, surrounded by trees and birds and squirrels and chipmunks.  I'm living with my love in a home we love.  Katie's parents came for a few day visit from Ontario and I finally got to meet them! We adopted a cat who we've named Dobby. She is a bit feral but is slowly coming around. She is our baby.  Physically she reminds us so much of Terra but she is not like Terra at all. She is her own cute self and we are blessed to have her in our lives. We love our jobs and are grateful for not just the job itself but for the people we work with and the little perks we get through our jobs.
Our baby, Dobby (our house elf) who's personality is much like Dobby from Harry Potter :)

Today I received a nice homemade card from two coworkers/friends showing they were thinking of me at this one year mark coming up.  They gave me a gift certificate to one of our favorite restaurants.  I said to Katie when I told her about the card and gift that I feel as though, despite my unimaginable loss and other losses throughout my life, I feel so blessed for the life I have because of the friends and family in our lives and the jobs we have.  It is as if my heart still has a hole in it but grows(my heart) with feelings of love and gratitude. Is this the new me?  This I am willing to accept. I know the hole, that is Alysia's absence, will never disappear but if my heart can continue to grow with love and gratitude, this will bring me peace... with a hole in it.

Although our new home has no memories of Alysia attached with it, I have created a sacred space outside in the yard that invokes her presence some how.  I love this little space with the garden gnome from my soul sister Suzy, a crystal that Alysia owned and a fern that I have had for a long time ( I dug it out of our garden in Fairview when we moved and have dragged it with us, every move, ever since. I plan to put it in the ground at this home) and feathers I keep finding. This space feels like Alysia even though there is no picture of her and nothing of hers other than the crystal.  I have managed to bring her energy into our new space and this makes me very happy.  I don't know what I will do in the winter when it's all covered in snow but I'll come up with something I'm sure.

After seeing how long this blog entry is, I will blog again next week about the one year mark.